when i made this blog, now 5 years ago (wow; funny shit tho, now i see that i wrote 166 posts; not all of them are published) my intention was to make it funny. To make it funny, to make it public, to have views and regular readers, to share opinions and expres myself in a funny, healthy way.
But why ? why to start a blog ? only for that ?
tonight i need to figure out some things. There are a lot of things going through my head right now and I somehow feel that writing will make me feel good right now.
So, back to the point. Why did I made this blog ?
Well, "back in the days" when i was 13-14 years old, for various reasons, i spend ALOT of time in front of my pc. Playing video games mostly. When I wasn't playing video games, i was on forums arguing with people and showing off my "writing" skills, i was playing the smart guy. I just LOVED to argue, to "beat" my opponent with smart arguments and to have that feeling of being superior.
Then, this blog thing came up and I told myself "uhm, i should give it a try!"
And I did.
But later on the blog ended up to be a diary.
The content was way to personal and i didn't wrote anymore for the 'public'. I was (and I am) writing only for myself.
The post might sound boring but it gets interesting from now on.
When I look back right now to my posts, I realise that i have here all my teenage phase. The blog is from 3 april 2008. I have my memories, the good and mostly the bad ones because as you know already i write much when i feel bad or lost.
most of these things are known only by me or by my readers.
i chosen to keep lots of things inside on me. To not let anyone know how i feel or what i think. Even here, on this blog i started to write in english just to have this privacy feeling that no one bothers to read my posts in english (oh look, verdi's blog! Oh, it's in english, fuck this shit; better watch some cat videos or porn).
It's stupid, i don't think that i have readers anymore but im doing this just to be sure.
One time i was thinking to start a brand new blog and move all the shitty personal stuff there. I made the blog but i got lazy and did nothing. Not quite a surprise, huh ?
i choose to keep my thoughts, feelings, demons locked. I don't know why I do this shit... maybe to look strong or because i'm not used to talk about me, or because i have this feeling that no one will understand so why bother. I don't know why, but it is a bad habit.
I have these endless inner thoughts.. feeling without any direction at all.
I always wanted to become this manly, alfa guy. Who doesn't care about what others think about him or his life. An independent fellow.
Maybe I am that guy, not in that complete form but not far away.
Yea, i might be controled by emotions because i keep them alive and inside. That's the problem. I care too much what others think about me and this is dragging me down. I don't have any self confidence right now. /sigh
i hurt people in past because not telling my emotions, i still hurt people because i lock myself.
I also hurt me and feel like i have a mental problem. I don't have patience to spend time with my love ones, i rather sit alone and waste time in front of computer.
There are so many feeling i must let out because the weight it's overwhelming.
so there it is for now future me, i hope that this read and the others will remind you that your character was shaped by constant battles; and when you will be BIG (because you will be) you will help others to find their path.
Persons like me that didn't had any guidance.. not so much affection, appreciation and warm words. I feel better to think that all of this bad times will pay off one day :)
*bro fist*
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