THE ULTIMATE STORY

The ultimate story

I say ultimate just to increase the drama, don't worry, isn't a big hit. But wait, is not something boring; i can guarantee a nice, charismatic and comic lecture, just like me (lol).

I felt the need to write this because soon i'll go to psychologist and i need to have a story line, right ?

Huah, i will make this spontaneous, just to be fun, ok ? 

I was 7th grade and school days were pure blessing to me. At that time back home it was like shit, my parents always arguing and being mad on each other, always screams, tears and crapy mood. I was depresed and I hated so much "home". 

School was however a blessing to me because we were united. Only laughs, good times and everything chill without worries. I felt so DAMN good at school.

Right now I realise that from that day, i realise how I became the person that I am now.

So home everything was crappy and I was always depressed, just lying in my bed and letting my thoughts run, dreaming with my eyes open. When i wasn't dreaming, i just wished that i have a somekind of disease so my parents will quit fighting and show some fucking affection, some carrying that i was so thirsty to get.

School was great but (interesting fact) I started to isolate myself from colleagues. I moved alone in another bench. This is strange, because it felt good to be alone (like, i had more time to dream and think about whatever i want) and in the same time, I wished that someone felt my sadness and come speak with me (which was and it is basically impossible, i'm a master in hiding my fucking feelings). Time passed by and I wasn't totally depressed like having suicidal thoughts or sensing the urge to cut myself (maybe two or three cuts now and then to impress the girls; lol not), i was just hiding my sadness pretty well.

SIDE NOTE: I was always the center of social group, making my pals feel good, jokes and whatever. Sometimes when i wasn't funny they used to make fun of me =)) (sometimes that made me fell bad but other times i was just enjoying the time spend with friends).

My first kiss (funny story)

In 8th grade I had my first kiss with the hottest girl from our class. Some will say "haha, what a loser, kissing first time a girl at 8th grade" but fuck you noobs, we knew how to make fun and keep the bitches aside, k ?

I'm just joking; the truth is that no one from our group was very good with girls. Not because looks or shyness (and im serious now), we were basically so happy togheter playing basketball, football and fooling around that we didn't give a DAMN about girlfriends. When I kiss this girl it was at a contest of truth or dare and the poor girl (and very HOT) thought that I don't want to kiss her (she saw me very cool, very good for her) but I played it cool and said "hey, why not? let's do it" and bam, kissed her and all the class was astonished hah. I remember that soon after the kiss me and my buddies went to play basketball and I was feeling so damn good, continuesly licking my lips just to sense more of her kiss(haha).

When we get back to class, it was this little chuby girl who was kinda inlove with me and she was so sad, puppy eyes and god, so depressing and i went to her and asked "what's wrong" and from her reaction it was pretty obvious that the kiss made her sad. I tryed to confort her but before i open my mouth my buddies came and said "hai ba sa mergem in clasa"so i left right away, not turning back to see her face.

side note: the same chubby girl said two nice things to me that i will remember.

1st: She saw that i was always staying with my head on the bench and looking on the window and dreaming with my eyes open and she asked me once "when your friends don't bother you, what are you thinking so much?"

2nd: She said that i'm a funny guy and my jokes are not forced and i know when/how to stop joking. (right ? RIGHT ?)

side note 2 : the chubby girl wasn't chubby, she just had this impression of herself. He was actually cute with really nice curbes. This bad impression of herself made her very superficial now and she is pretty dumb (true story).

So yea, my elementary school was by far the best. I was going to school with pleasure, it was my escape from the pain from home..

HIGHSCHOOL

There are (or was) two things that i never like to speak about : my marijuana experience and Cristina (my last gf). Damn, this will be such a good story...

So highschool started and like in elementary school i had my way to get things around. Sooner than you know everyone knew me and i was living the highschool dream, pretty popular. In my first day of highschool i remember that i was sitting in bench with this naughty, hot colleague that I meet in highschool square (that place were all classmates meet for the first time bla-bla) who was speaking sooooo much and another at-that-time-hot colleague. THAT'S IT ! I mean of course i remember that the room was full of colleagues but i don't remember any of them! 

SIDE NOTE: at ALL class "reunion" meetings, will be 3 stories of which they make fun of me =)) (remember, at every FUCKING reunion, the same FUCKING stories)

1st: "you was so popular because in your first junior weeks all what you did was giving people smoke (ciggars) and said "Hi, I'm Remus!". That's why everyone knows you!"

2nd: "This one time, Remus lay about not doing his homework because his grand-grand-mother was sleeping in his room. When the teaches asked him why he didn't made his homework in the kitchen he replied " I was planning to make it there, but i couldn't because my mother was making meatballs"."

3rd: "When we made a reunion at a motel, i was so damn drunk and making fun of Remus, music, not letting him sleep, all the package. And what does the stupid makes? He says "ok grasut, let me go to the bathroom and then i come back, ok ?" And i let him! And what he does ? He go upstairs, enters at Marius, blonda and Geanina and says "guys, please, can i sleep here? Im so wasted and the fatass Andrutzu don't let me sleep)."

And two or three more actually (mhm.. im quite fun to hang with =)))

So back to this hot,naughty chick.

It is very important to understand that in my first year of highschool i started to wash my teeths. My mom, god bless her, when she saw me she said "Eh asa da, ai dat si tu de fete, te speli pe dinti!".

In my first week of highschool this hot chick somehow got my number and calls my out of nowhere at night and my mom answers and when she calls me at the phone to speak she has this wierd expresion and she says "it's a girl on the phone for you" =)) IT was the first time i was speaking with a GIRL, at the PHONE !

Out of nowhere she's so nice and flirts and glossy glossy and im just wet and silent as shit. "I don't know how to speak with a girl, wtf i should say?" but somehow i pull it off and have a nice chat with the girl. 

After a couple of days (or the next day, dunno) she wants me to go togheter at her home because she needs "to change shes t-shirt". NOW, looking back i realise that she was damn horny and that was a move. Stupid, stupid Remus =))

I didn't knew what to do, dammit i was hanging with my brothers all day and now and then being a little pancy just to receive some affection from surroundings, I didn't knew how to handle or start a girl ! 

SIDE NOTE: My first chance to "get lucky" was when I had 15 y/o and a metalhead friend of mine (she had 14 years old back then) said that shes first time wants to be with someone she trusts, therefore she wants ME! (without even seeing me face to face, i mean, how badass is that ?). Of course, "nice Remus" couldn't give her the D because he was too damn concerned how she will feel after, if it's a good ideea, bla bla. After a year she hook up with this guy who was 6 years old (or maybe more) older than she and he helped her (they're still togheter, so basically because i didn't give her the D i influenced her future in such beautiful way!).

So i did nothing and in my first half of year i just hanged out with this girl, trying to play it cool and hoping that she will realise that im an idiot and just jump on me already. That didn't happen (but trust me, so many times it was so close) and this brings me to my marijuana experience ! ta-daaa; first of my awkward, most avoided subjects of my past. 

As I said, i was pretty popular and each class break i was hanging outside with older students and other more social mates. So this one day an older student brings pot to school, and BAM, i smoke togheter with him + another guy. Now I realise that the joint was a totally bullshit, not even weed or something related. It was just something fake trying to impress us. Whatever.

After that episode, i thought "damn, im invincible, pot doesnt have any fucking effect on me!" and after a couple of weeks I meet with some old classmates to light a joint in the park. I smoked A- LOT. Laughing like crazy and just having a good time. Shortly after this episode of endless laugh, we decide to go back home. I get up from the bench and have this state of mind like I was drunk at first. After 2-3 minutes of walking, i was feeling like I was dreaming; and boom, I panic ! I ran as fast as I can in the M.C Donalds and gone to toilet. I was shaking from my whole fucking body, i thought i was going to DIE. I went outside and saw a lot of familiar faces, buddies and family relates, it was maaad. So i heart felt like it was exploding and i call this stupid older student, who makes a little scene that i went smoking weed without him and shit like that. After he finally understood that i was serious, he told me to fake puking because it will slow my heart beats. I tried and it helped but just a little, it was terrifying, i couldn't handle it anymore and call the ambulance. They came -> hospital and put my on perfusions. They start to give me sugar and vitamins and asking me what did i took etc. I told them that i drank alot of redbull and that sound legit for them. Sound legit for my parents too, so everyone got over it.

I was recovering and feeling ok and i thought, "dude, i smoke too much weed first time and thats why i had that horrifying episode; lets try it again!" and i did. This time it was EVEN MORE scary and when the ambulance came i told them that i drank again a lot of redbull + someone gave me an unknown ciggar that i smoke a little from it. Again to hospital, again perfusions and back home.

The thing is this time was different.

I was a regular smoker, but even a small inhale caused me panic attack. So i quit smoking. After a couple of days i was having panic attacks at regular basics. For no fucking reason, it was ... damn. I really thought i was going to die. For my stupidness I almost paid with my life and as a cure i used strong medicine like Cipralex, Rivotril, anti-depression anti-panic attacks whatever. The treatment last a year and a half ! A YEAR AND A HALF ! 

I remember that 6 months i drank only 2 or 3 beers. In 6 months ! My treatment was strict, no alcohol !

I was having panic attacks even at small things, like playing cs 1.6. A small moment of tension and boom, panic attack! Horrible.. horrible.. and i was facing this shit all by myself, no one close knew in what kind of hell i was living. No one, i carried my stone all by myself..

The logic explanation of my panic attacks, now when im looking back ?

In my first sessions at psychologist he told me that the feelings that i keep inside of me (because she figured out that i was keeping all my pain inside) someday, somehow will get out from my "chest" and when they will do so, it might get ugly.

And that's it. All my frustration from home, all my frustation for the leak of love and affection just pumped out and cause me all this problems.

SIDE NOTE (my first girlfriend) : my first girlfriend was a stupid ass country girl. Now, after years from then she can easily admit that im right so im not mean. She was both stupid and a little ugly too (but in the pictures look great). I met this girl because one of my female colleagues who showed here some pictures with all classmates and after a brief description of myself this girl Georgiana (the name of my first gf) was madly inloved. Again, I didn't had any girlfriend before so i was pretty thrilled that someone likes me and i will finally have a gf. We met, i bought her a nice red rose (because im fucking gentleman) and everything went good. We kissed and had a great time. Funny shit: 1st time we kiss only with lips, 2nd time we kiss with tongue also and back then i call my friend Adi and say to him "dude, it's the second date with her and i already french kiss her, i will totally bang her soon !" =)) 

I remember that whe spend a lot of time speaking on the telephone and everytime after we hang up i have this muscle fever because (without notice) i was smilying the whole damn time. I finally found someone who showed me a little bit of affection. 

Now here's the thing about Georgiana back then, why i insist she was a stupid ass. At that time it was this new style, emo. A kinda gothic style, but for spoiled kids, nothing deep in it, just pussy kids cutting themselfs. Of course Georgiana wasn't cutting herself, she was just wearing black outfit most of time. Hell, the reason all of my outfit is mostly black is because of her stupid ass. She was a fake person because she wanted to be "cool", to be different. 

It is important to know that after 2 weeks i wanted to dump her. She sense immediatly and on purpose (i found out later) invented a story where shes mother is suffering from a disease. And I didn't dump her. A week passed, a month, two, three and every time was a new thing. This time she was acting like shit with me + I had my panic attacks problems.. damn, it was hard man.

In my last 3-4 months with her she didn't return my calls, she was cold and right after 1 day before we should've made 1 year togheter she broke up with me =))) After I saw that she didn't return my calls and being cold, i continue to insist with her because she was the only source of my affection and i was willing to suffer even more even for a little piece of "love" words. And it's not over. After she broke up with me after 1 day before making 1 year togheter, i recover a little bit from my depression and 2 weeks after she fucking calls me and wants to meet me. We went out in park, kissed everything cool, she comes to my house and when we are in bed getting ready for "our first time" she says me that right before we broke up 2 days later she lost her virginity with another guy. She told me this right next to me, stupid little shit, god. (After many years i find out that his was another fake story of her just to mess with me) 

All this emotions, all this pain, all of it in my soul...

I didn't had a dad to fucking teach me something about life. I'm a good listener and a fast learner, i would've follow any advice with gratitude... No one ever teach me ANYTHING, EVER ! EVERY-FUCKING-THING I know now in life was because I hit the wall, over and over again. 

SIDE NOTE 1: Because of the crappy mood home + outside dissapointments, I spend a lot of time in front of my pc for distraction. Playing video games, speaking on forums, watching movies/sitcoms w/e everything just to get my mind off. 

My soul was mutilated and i meet this girl, Cristina.

It was this guy from buftea, a friend of mine (we used to play alot of cs 1.6 back then). One night he told me about this girl and that she's quiet girl, good looks and smart. It was the perfect description for me, so i tried to see if she is the same way i picture her. So i enter on my buddy's ym ID and talk to her maybe 2 times. Small talk, nothing spectacular. I saw some pictures with her + i like the way he spoke and decide to come out and say to her that all this time she was speaking with me, not to my pal.
We have small chat and I end up calling her, she was so shy .. didn't spoke much. After we had a couple of days we didn't spoke at all (both online and on the phone) and in that night she calls me, both sad and mad because she didn't knew were her mom was. Whatever. Boring, moving ahead.
Our first date was funny; i came in Buftea with a bus (now, i don't know how hell is, but i assume that it is hot like in that FUCKING bus) and i saw her, haha, so fragile child with gorgeous eyes. We didn't spoke much on our first date, we kissed endless times..
Now, I'm explaining this in detail because i want to ilustrate the joy i was feeling. I was so damn happy, so happy. I will continue to explain it in detail to understand better the final conclusion (to not become boring it will be a challenge for now on).
So after our first date it was no doubt, we were togheter !
Now she wasn't good at speaking, nor expresing herself. First three couple of months (especially the first ones) i was almost the only one speaking. Now, back then i was the ultimate introvert and i wasn't used to speak, i always prefered to listen only. But she was just like me and i didn't want to lose her, so i tried to have a "talky mode". Day after day, night after night. Now, i wasn't experienced (as you already know, no surprise lol) and i was trying to find the reason why she wasn't speaking much with me and more than that, in the first weeks i was the only one calling. I was driving crazy when i was outside with the boys, or working at some waiter event and didn't get any signal from her. I wanted her to be as crazy for me as i was for her.
I decided to be patient because i knew that she is an introvert too. I continue to speak much, to motivate her, to be there for here, to send nice messages and whatever, show her how much i love her.

SIDE NOTE: I have this strange aura, when i'm single, no female around. When i'm in a relationship, all of the sudden i become this "magnet" for girls. In my first months with Cristina, another girl came in my attention. She was hot also but kinda dumb and she was interested on me. I mean like "k, im going outside!" - Really? with who ? and similar things like that. You see, at that time i like it because Cristina never asked about my nights or what the fuck i speak and how spend my time with my friends. So we both develop an interest for each other and speak a couple of days pretty tense. Long story short, i decide to meet with Bianca (this is her name) and to explain her that I love Cristina and she's just a mistake. We didn't speak from then almost 2 years. (funny thing, the chick is more hotter now and she's gay. Still dumb tho)

I know what love is. Because love is for stupid people like me who put themselfs second to other people from their life. But love is rewarding, love is godlike. I remember first time she was at my home and we were pretty late (she supposed to be home at a certain hour, 2 p.m) so we took a taxi. I knew that she loves me just the way she was looking at me. In that moment i put away all my fear of losing her...

God, there are so many things i can say.. So beautiful moments, such blessing for me.. she was my refuge.

I was 12nd grade when I broke up with Cristina, she was so gelous and i somehow get bored of proving that she is everything to me and her not beliving me. I thought back then that i must focus on learning for optaining the bachelor degree and our relationship is not going anywhere. After we broke up, after 2 weeks I felt like missing her and when i reach up her shewas already with someone else =) BOOM!

I don't know what was worse, the fact that she already found someone else in 2 weeks or the fact that the guy was a moron ? How I know that he was a moron ? Funny story : one day after speaking with Cristina she told me that she likes another guy so after I offered a couple of times, I end up speaking with the moron she was with at that moment and telling him to let her alone and find someone else (it is funny that after speaking with him he ends up respecting me, i didn't get violent or something, im not that kind of person).
Whateveeer..
She end up breaking up with that guy and at that time the only reason i was still posting on blog it was her. I wanted her to know that i still have feeling for her and i cared for her more than she knew.

12nd grade end.
I take the bachelor degree and im so happy. The rate wasn't important because in my highschool years i was more home than at school. I was a lazy fuck,i was going to school only when I want it. It's not a brag, it's a fact. So what about my absences? How did i past every year?
Well, as this ultimate story will conclude, I always been a people person. Every teacher liked me. My jokes, my person and that above all, i was a good kid. Beside this, i was the only one from my class who attended contests and other extra activities for school. Acting, poetry, chess, etc. In this way teachers were easy on me and I could stay at home and do whatever i want.
So i pass the exam and i was happy because we were only 3 people from our class that pass the exam. 3 people and one of them was me, the one who did whatever he want  all 4 years. Haters hated !

After a couple of months me and my friend gone to casino dealer school to begin our training for future casino dealers on cruise ship. After 6 weeks of training, we knew all the procedures and games from a casino. We thought that we'll find something to work pretty fast, but the things didn't went so good as we hoped. We end up learning german because the only company on which we can work it was german and requires german basic knownledge. I learn basic german and after 2 months this german company decide to adopt a new company policy which states that like american cruise lines, the casino age allowed will be 21 or higher. That sucked big time.

I end up looking for other job oportunities and month after month pass by. I was mad because i didn't find anything at all in casino domain and I decide to apply at a student and travel programe to work in Greece, Crete Island as a assistant waiter.

SIDE NOTE: I always like the notion of independence. I worked first time when i was 14 and i did that not because my family it was in need or something. No, i just want it so, to have my money. I will always remember the words of my friend when i told him if he wants to work with me at an event, he told me "why to work like you when i can get the same amount or even more with a single "give me" (he was reffering to his parents)"

I see that i don't have any other offers, I pass on and find out this job in Greece, Chania (Crete Island) and i left there.
God, such a beautiful place. Beautiful landscape, awesome weather.
The thing about this place was that if you were standing still facing north, in the left side you saw mountain and in the right side you have the beautiful beach, with blue water and clean sand. It was like a dream, everything perfect. The only bad thing from this experience was that i been working with two guys from Romania (one of 26 and the other one 28 years old) and both of them were mean with me and tried to make me feel bad (the ugly truth was that they saw me enjoying me time there and didn't like it) and trying to state the fact that i'm a naive person.
After 3 weeks i got an email from my casino teacher and she ask me if I'm interested in working at a casino in Bulgaria, i immediatly say yes.
I announce my leaving and after a month gone away im back in Romania, i stay 2 weeks and i leave again, this time in Bulgaria !
I arrive in Bulgaria at 12 P.M with another student Razvan. The next day we start working and we figure out that we won't stay here long. I mean, the place was amazing ! Beautiful landscape, golf terrain, spa, huge hotel and whatever, only luxury; but the casino was fucking empty. I mean, at work, in the casino was only the dealers, security and managers. That's it. After a week i left the place.

SIDE NOTE : After we left, another 2 studentscame to work there. We said them "nu veniti ca nu e de munca" but they didn't listen. After 3 months casino shuts down and they are unpaid.

So i'm back in Romania and the first thing that i make is to go at a poker club where i used to workto see if they have any room for me. After a couple of days they have and i start to work there. I don't get to work 2 weeks and the parliament vote a law that shut down all poker clubs at that time (only in Bucharest was more than 7 clubs that i knew about). And for about 1 month and a half i was again unemployed and waiting for the club to open again but this time respecting the law in use. After 1 month they call me and say "Remus, we are opening after 1 month because of paper work". After 2 hours I'm at another club in town where Razvan was working interwing for the job. I get it and i start to work there. This was since september to this day.

In this time i made myself good in this domain. I'm well appreciated at work and i have a good wage. I paid my driving school and my debts which i made with my traveling in Greece and Bulgaria. But somehow the shitty environment and program get back to me and now im feeling depressed, lonely and pretty anxious about life in general.
It's been 2 years now and no gf, i don't have any friends (i ll illustrate that later) and for the first time, im feeling alone.

it is mad that i have added more to my story a good time ago but it never updated. Now i must retype to whole shit; god i hate this so much.

So i was telling you why i don't have any friends.

Well, last year, i get in touch with Georgiana (my first gf). She is telling me that she's sorry, that she was stupid, that she didn't deserved a such a nice guy like me and blabla. I thought that she changed, you know ? So i give her another change and we start being friends. She was a funny person, good humour, likes 9gag, understand inside jokes and blabla. We start being friends and things went pretty awesome for awhile.
We talk alot, laught more than alot, we was having a really nice time togheter. After awhile, we begin to hang all 3 of us. Me, Georgiana and Liviu. Lots of laughter, good time.
In one night Georgiana tells me that she wants to hook up with Liviu and she wants my opinion. I said 'no' without thinking, telling her if she does that our friendship will get awkward and things will stop to be fun.
More than that i explain to her that Liviu won't do it because  he knows the situation and he's my best friend.
She understood at that time, said sorry for the stupid impulse and life gone on. But this 'thing' to hook up with Liviu came again and again, she telling me, me telling her that she will do wrong...

It was summer and a couple of days before i left Romania to work in Crete, Liviu calls me and he wants to get out togheter to speak.

SIDENOTE: Me and Liviu didn't spoke often about serious things. When serious things came up to speak he just  calls me and says "let's go outside, i need an advice/let's talk"; only he, because you already know i'm not a 'sharing person' when it comes to my feelings =)

So i was at the gym when i get the call and  i told him to pick me up. After thinking what the hell he wants to speak about, i realise that he already made a decision about georgiana and now he will tell me. After we left the gym I realise that my best friend left me for a girl, i realise that because, well, in some situations i know people better than myself.

long story short, he tells me that he hook up with georgiana EVEN after i said "don't, i don't want to" and that shit hit me.
They told me that "things will be the same, bla bla", i told them "no they won't" and i explain to them why it FUCKING NOT be the same and from that point i stop speaking with both of them.

Now, I'm like the nicest guy i know. If you search on web the term 'nice guy' it will appear a FUCKING photo of myself. Because im nice, i will get to know you pretty well; i will get to know you even better than i know myself.
Before this 'event' i had 2 more broke friendships because i don't offer 'second changes'. I offer 'third, fourth changes' and if you keep being stupid about our friendship i will remove you from my life.
Im a nice guy. If you fool me once, meh, it happens. If you fool me twice, it bothers me. If you fool me third time, next time when you try to reach me you will see my facebook profile blocked, you won't be able to call me because you are restricted and if you see me on the street be damn sure that i will act like you don't exist.
I'm an honest man when it comes to people and im not like others.

So there it is. It sucks because i feel lonely. I still have Cornel tho, but he's like me. I have a call from Cornel once a year and then it's my birthday =)) No, i'm joking but you get my point.

The strangest secret is 'We become what we mostly think about' (Earl Nightingale, worth to search him on youtube). And what i'm now it's exactly what 'i was mostly thinking about'. I'm lonely, i have this anxiety that i might suffer from a disease (you know that part 'i wish that i was sick to get some fucking attention'),  i think all the time (like, it doesnt matter what the hell i'm doing, if im speaking with someone, if i read, if i shit, i'm always speaking and thinking inside my HEADDD) but i'm also respected by the people who know me, even with my break down I have always aim to highest challenges and now i work at the best poker club from Romania at the best hotel from Bucharest.

The point of this DAMN long post it was to figure out what the fuck i was/am doing wrong in my life. And i figure out...

I never speak about my feelings and because of this thing i lost Cristina and why not, all of other friends. Because if i was more clear, more 'impunator' maybe things would have been better. or not.
I listen too much others, when instead i must go out there and be listened about myself. I might sound arrogante but hell, an average person can learn things from me.
I don't take care of myself. I should get into sports, lose some weight, go to massage, whatever.
I expect too much from others. I thought that everyone have this urge to succed, to do something 'special' with their life. But no, not everyone have this need and it's ok, i must understand once for all.
I must start being egoistic. I care too much, i think too much about other people.
Loneliness is not for me. I thought that i like to be lonely, but i don't. Or maybe i'm not mentally prepare yet for loneliness.
I'm too lazy. I'm so lazy that i find hard to finish tasks. I jump from one task to another. I do lots of multitasking and can't focus on one single. I'm so lazy that I see that i have some issues to fix, but im too lazy to fix them. Laaaazzzyyy...
I spend too much thinking and this is why i lose opportunities. And i'm not talking about job*

SIDE NOTE: I'm professional, you know ? It's like my subconstient it's trained to be 'at his finest'. When it comes to my job, in 6 months i went from a low-class poker club to the biggest and greatest club in Romania. I came here because i want to be on the TOP, always. I want achieve things, i want to explore, i want to live experiences, that's why i'm here. It's not because i'm an excellent dealer,no. It's because the way i act, it's because I think that this is what i deserve. The trainees (new people who learn this job, how to deal etc.) are 2-3 years older than me. My colleagues are mostly people with years of casino experience, here in Romania and abroad. I'm a twenty years old and I'm here, at the top. It's not like i'm a genius of something, but i know what i want, what i deserve and i'm able to be natural, like i lived highclass all my life =)
I'm able to do so much great things, but i feel so emotional broken.........i don't know if im dissapointed of me or others.. Now when i look at this post i realise that I had a pretty sad life. Not a dramatic one, just sad. Spending endless hours on pc hiding from my feelings, hidding my feelings, be always there for others and eventually let down by all.

* Life tells and maybe some 'brags'

I like how some people find me arrogant. I'm not arrogant, i'm just shy and very emotional, therefore i put this mask on to 'blend in'.
Envy, to be mean, to act smart, unpolite, etc. is not me. I don't envy no one, i'm too concert to improve my opersonality. I can't be mean, it's not me; i feel bad if i'm mean. I'm not 'acting smart', i am smart; i am smart because i listen and visualize a lot of scenarios. I am smart because i knew how to learn from my experiences and how to be human.
Unpolite ? Me ? Common, all this lecture was in vain ? I care too much what others think to be unpolite, let's be serious =) This and the fact that i respect myself makes me a very polite young fellouw *taps his hat*.

'if someone did something to you, expect it to do it again' ex: He lie you before, he will lie again.; He betrayed you once, he will betray you again.
This is a tricky one, takes much to explain and it's enough for me that i know what i'm speaking about.

don't try to change someone. It's a waste of time and maybe that person doesn't need/want a change.

be open mind, don't be a sheep. Start to observe things, start to learn.

i will add more 'just for fun' every now and then.

based of my experience, this is the biggest life tell i can tell you : nothing it's random. Not a single thing you experience is random. You can call it Allah, God, bla-bla, but this higher entity exist and nothing that happens to you is random; all it is with a reason.
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So this is my life, hah. I can see know that im pretty sad, alot of pain inside. I said that i will tell it in the ending, so the it is; the only person who got to know me was Cristina. Because i spoke A LOT with her and she was there when i did. She got to know me because of love, because of fear to not lose her i was not myself, i was a talky person :) and in the end she knew me better than me.

I pray god for support, i need to start living in the present. My brain is crazy man, i have this endless conversations and analyzing situations in my head. Random shits. And this is only because i didn't take care of me. That's it. I always thought that if I am nice and care, people will appreciate and stay beside me, that i will get their affection (of which i was sooo dependent). So year by year i focused on pleasing others instead of pleasing me.
Maybe this is why i have this bad thinking habit, the brain doesn't understand where/when i did wrong. Why i'm doing so shitty now.

so love is the answer. I love myself therefore i must be always on the first place.